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A Response to a Request by Texas for Succession

Dear Texas,

After reviewing your formal request for succession from the Union, we, the United States of America, hereby approve your request, under certain circumstances. If you do not agree or wish to amend these special circumstances, your request will be nullified.

1. Texans would not be allowed into the United States without special work permits or passport. Now we understand that it may take some time for you to setup a central government capable of printing, distributing, and tracking of passports, but we, the United States of America, are willing to wait until you are. Please, take your time. Any attempt to cross the border without legal documentation will be seen as a pre-emptive attack, and it will be deemed necessary to use excessive force.

2. A wall or fence would be constructed to keep illegal Texans out of the United States of America. For this to be accomplished, the United States of America's IRS will charge 3 years of income tax for all Texas citizens. At first, we thought that 1 year was enough, but one of our constituents, Oklahoma, informed us that the residents of Texas carry guns and like to fire said guns. Therefore, we have decided to bullet proof the wall/fence. Please do not shoot or try to scare the workers who are building this structure, they are honest, hard working Americans who are trying to feed their family.

3. Since Texas would no longer have statehood in the United States of America, its electoral votes will be stripped. Therefore, in our history books, Al Gore did in fact win the 2000 presidential election, and John Kerry did in fact win the 2004 presidential election. Thus, wiping our history and conscious clean of George W. Bush.

4a. All senators and representatives from Texas will have to give up their seat in Congress. Since you want no place in our Union, you have no place in lawmaking. Seems fair to us.

4b. If Texas does want to engage in international politics, then Texas must apply to the United Nations and get approval from the other nations. The United States of America will not commit to its decision of whether to approve or deny access to the United Nations at this point in time.

5a. All companies that have their headquarters in the United States of America would be subject to international tariffs, and would be taxed accordingly, if they wish to maintain businesses in Texas. We have already talked to many automobile manufacturers, and they have agreed to pay these taxes due to the abundant pick up truck sales. You are welcome.

5b. All companies that have their headquarters in Texas would be asked to vacate their stores that reside on American soil. We do not want, nor do we need you.

5c. Texas would be excluded from NAFTA. Sorry, we made some attempt to fit you in, but we were just too tired, and felt like going home.

5d. If Texas wishes to engage in commerce with the United States... on second thought, just don't try to do so.

6a. Texas must create its own form of currency. You would no longer have permission to use the United States of America's currency. You can use bullet casings, jugs of moonshine, or coon skin hats, as currency. Just not the USD.

6b. Texas must forefit all US legal tender. Those strips of paper are not toilet paper, and those shiny metal things are not ornaments that sit at the bottom of park fountains. Please relinquish said legal tender immediately.

7a. Citizens who were born in Texas, and moved out of Texas, would maintain their United States citizenship.

7b. Citizens who were not born in Texas, and move to Texas, would be stripped of their United States citizenship. Tough shit.

8. All branches of the United States of America's military would pull out of Texas. We have determined that since the citizens of Texas carry guns, that they are more than capable of creating some semblance of a military.

9. If a foreign nation were to attack Texas, the United States of America would not get involved unless nuclear fallout reaches beyond Oklahoma, Arkansas, or New Mexico. Those states are fully aware of this decision, and the United States of America commends them on their patriotism.

10. Rush Limbaugh would become a citizen of Texas. Neither the right, nor the left, want him anymore. He has become more of an annoyance. But we figured that you would not mind one more overweight, loud guy.

11. In Texas history books, you would not refer to any point in time when Texas was part of the United States of America. We want to forget this ever happened. It was a mistake, we are sorry.

12. Anything that says Texas on it would be shipped to Texas, whether it was made in Texas or not. Again, we want no reminders of history.

13. All cowboy hats and boots would be sent back to Texas. The United States of America thought that only people in movies wore them, but we were proved wrong once we were forced by a layover at Dallas-Fort Worth Airport. The hats are stupid, and the boots are uncomfortable, but you seem to enjoy them. Think of this as a parting gift. Please do not feel as though you must reciprocate a gift. We most likely would not open it.

We apologize for getting back to you, Texas, so late. Since your request was made in the late 1800s, we have gone through an Industrial Revolution, two World Wars, two Presidential assassinations, a Cold War, three stock market crashes, and a few other things. So we've been busy.

If you, Texas, do not like these terms, then we, the United States of America, request that you shut the fuck up about how great you think Texas is, and how you want to be succeed. You need us more than we need you.

Thank you,
-The United States of America.

P.S. Do not try to respond to this letter. We most likely do not care what you think.
P.P.S. We had Mexico proofread this, and they told us to tell you to go fuck yourself. We have no idea what you did to piss them off, but we can probably guess.