The joke thread, pics are not necessary

M5Rick · 02-06-2023, 01:49 AM

What Spice Girl can carry more gas?
Geri can.

M5Rick · 02-06-2023, 05:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

I just found out The Spice Girls were paid off by the tobacco industry to hide subliminal pro-smoking messages in their songs.

I couldn’t believe it, so I put on one of their records, and it made me really really really want a cig or cigar.

Just wow but it would take more than that to make me light up a Castella even for a laugh.

M5Rick · 02-07-2023, 03:08 AM

A shrink asks his patient how long she has had short term memory loss.
She replies ''As long as I can remember''

KRS_SN · 02-07-2023, 04:47 PM

Why do ants never become unwell?
Because they have tiny anty bodies.

M5Rick · 02-08-2023, 02:41 AM

A chap says to his shrink that he's having suicidal tendencies.
Shrink tells him he has to pay his fees in advance.

Rocket455 · 02-08-2023, 11:02 AM

A cop starts his shift at the bottom of a hill, radar gun ready, hoping to catch a speeder. Hours and hours pass, and nothing. Just when his shift is about to end in dismay, he catches a glimpse of a car heading his way at a very high rate of speed. He gleefully takes down the speeder. He swaggers towards the car to issue a ticket, and sees a young man in his 20s is behind the wheel.

Cop says, with a grin on his face: "Son, I've been waiting for you the WHOLE damn day!"

Kid: "I know Officer, I came as fast as I could!"

SpeedBuggy · 02-08-2023, 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

🛞

Yeah, and the thing is they accept debit/credit cards, who are these people that can't come up with 6 quarters?

Although, we do have Sheetz gas stations in our neck of the woods that still have free air.

M5Rick · 02-11-2023, 10:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

🛞

That's a hissy rip off

M5Rick · 02-11-2023, 10:17 AM

I went to a gas station to pump up my tyre and the attendant charged me a dollar.
I said it was only 50 cents last week and he replied that it was the price of inflation.

M5Rick · 02-13-2023, 04:34 AM

I ordered milk for a milk bath.
The milkman asked if ''pasteurized''?
I said ''no, just under my chin''.

3.0L · 02-13-2023, 12:49 PM

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

freakystyly · 02-13-2023, 02:50 PM

If your boomerang ends up in someone else's hands, was it ever your boomerang?

snowbimmer · 02-13-2023, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by freakystyly

If your boomerang ends up in someone else's hands, was it ever your boomerang?

Corollary: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back,

A stick.

M5Rick · 02-15-2023, 02:36 AM

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

BMWGUYinCO · 02-15-2023, 12:04 PM

My wife and I have determined that counting calories doesn't work, and we have the figures to prove it!

KRS_SN · 02-15-2023, 05:45 PM

The wife rang to say the three girls at the office have all received flowers and they're all gorgeous. I said "That's probably why".

KRS_SN · 02-15-2023, 05:49 PM

Two aliens land on earth near a petrol station. They get out off their spaceship and walk across the road straight toward the garage. One of them says to the pump: "Earthling, take me to your leader." No answer. He looks at his mate and then addresses the pump again: "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response. The alien then says "If this earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!" At that, the second alien replies, "Ok. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."

The first alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes
the pump. The station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his partner. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second alien: "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?

"Well, I didn't know exactly what was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna mess with a guy whose dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his ear!"

Esteban · 02-15-2023, 11:11 PM

I watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought “wow, dogs are so easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.

M5Rick · 02-16-2023, 03:28 AM

I used to date a bricklayers daughter..
Cement the world to me.

Esteban · 02-16-2023, 12:37 PM

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "it's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

3.0L · 02-16-2023, 01:27 PM

There was Window CE

Then ME

Then NT

CEMENT

Esteban · 02-19-2023, 12:54 PM

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

02-06-2023, 01:49 AM	#925
M5Rick General 79719 Rep 24,815 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	What Spice Girl can carry more gas? Geri can.
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02-07-2023, 03:08 AM	#927
M5Rick General 79719 Rep 24,815 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	A shrink asks his patient how long she has had short term memory loss. She replies ''As long as I can remember''
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02-07-2023, 04:47 PM	#928
KRS_SN Major General 15702 Rep 5,779 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 X7 [10.00] X5 [9.25] IX [8.67]	Why do ants never become unwell? Because they have tiny anty bodies.
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02-08-2023, 02:41 AM	#929
M5Rick General 79719 Rep 24,815 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	A chap says to his shrink that he's having suicidal tendencies. Shrink tells him he has to pay his fees in advance.
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02-08-2023, 11:02 AM	#930
Rocket455 Grumpy Old Relic 544 Rep 465 Posts Drives: 2022 M550i Join Date: Jan 2020 Location: San Diego, CA iTrader: (0) Garage List 1972 Firechicken [0.00] 1969 Toronado [0.00] 1970 Camaro [0.00]	A cop starts his shift at the bottom of a hill, radar gun ready, hoping to catch a speeder. Hours and hours pass, and nothing. Just when his shift is about to end in dismay, he catches a glimpse of a car heading his way at a very high rate of speed. He gleefully takes down the speeder. He swaggers towards the car to issue a ticket, and sees a young man in his 20s is behind the wheel. Cop says, with a grin on his face: "Son, I've been waiting for you the WHOLE damn day!" Kid: "I know Officer, I came as fast as I could!" __________________ "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' and if they would, I do not do that thing." — Dwight K. Schrute Last edited by Rocket455; 02-11-2023 at 01:36 PM..
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02-11-2023, 10:17 AM	#933
M5Rick General 79719 Rep 24,815 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	I went to a gas station to pump up my tyre and the attendant charged me a dollar. I said it was only 50 cents last week and he replied that it was the price of inflation.
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02-13-2023, 04:34 AM	#934
M5Rick General 79719 Rep 24,815 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	I ordered milk for a milk bath. The milkman asked if ''pasteurized''? I said ''no, just under my chin''.
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02-13-2023, 12:49 PM	#935
3.0L Colonel 16515 Rep 2,014 Posts Drives: 2014 BMW M235i, 2024 GLC300 Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	On a Septic Tank Truck Yesterday's Meals on Wheels __________________ 2014 BMW M235i 2024 Mercedes Benz GLC300 Has it been 4 years yet?
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02-13-2023, 02:50 PM	#936
freakystyly Colonel 4143 Rep 2,195 Posts Drives: F22 B58 6MT Join Date: May 2016 Location: Ontario iTrader: (0)	If your boomerang ends up in someone else's hands, was it ever your boomerang?
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02-15-2023, 02:36 AM	#938
M5Rick General 79719 Rep 24,815 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
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02-15-2023, 12:04 PM	#939
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4480 Rep 285 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	My wife and I have determined that counting calories doesn't work, and we have the figures to prove it!
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02-15-2023, 05:45 PM	#940
KRS_SN Major General 15702 Rep 5,779 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 X7 [10.00] X5 [9.25] IX [8.67]	The wife rang to say the three girls at the office have all received flowers and they're all gorgeous. I said "That's probably why".
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02-15-2023, 05:49 PM	#941
KRS_SN Major General 15702 Rep 5,779 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 X7 [10.00] X5 [9.25] IX [8.67]	Two aliens land on earth near a petrol station. They get out off their spaceship and walk across the road straight toward the garage. One of them says to the pump: "Earthling, take me to your leader." No answer. He looks at his mate and then addresses the pump again: "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response. The alien then says "If this earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!" At that, the second alien replies, "Ok. I'm just going to stand down on the next block." The first alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump. The station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his partner. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second alien: "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me? "Well, I didn't know exactly what was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna mess with a guy whose dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his ear!"
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02-15-2023, 11:11 PM	#942
Esteban Major General 68078 Rep 7,244 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	I watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought “wow, dogs are so easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
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02-16-2023, 03:28 AM	#943
M5Rick General 79719 Rep 24,815 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	I used to date a bricklayers daughter.. Cement the world to me.
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02-16-2023, 12:37 PM	#944
Esteban Major General 68078 Rep 7,244 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "it's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
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02-16-2023, 01:27 PM	#945
3.0L Colonel 16515 Rep 2,014 Posts Drives: 2014 BMW M235i, 2024 GLC300 Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	Windows There was Window CE Then ME Then NT CEMENT __________________ 2014 BMW M235i 2024 Mercedes Benz GLC300 Has it been 4 years yet?
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02-19-2023, 12:54 PM	#946
Esteban Major General 68078 Rep 7,244 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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